If Your Reading This...

Another friend of mine died today...I don't want to say a name for someone who knew her like I did reads this as well.I have to tell her eventually but I don't have the heart to do so...I don't think I should,she started looking happy for the first time in a long time...

It is my deepest regrets that I didn't even get to say good bye....but she's in a better place now.It just  seems like every person I care about is dying or something is happening to them...I don't know anymore,just seems like...I don't know everything is just so messed up now...

Disclaimer: I am ranting about a disagreement  I had with an ex,if you are said ex or know her,you probably shouldn't read on.You have been warned.

Ok,so I for the past few days I'm being bothered by my ex.I called her character a slut in a roleplay and she somehow thought it was directed at her.Some people just can not differentiate between reality and fantasy I suppose.It pisses me off because up until that point things were fine.But whatever,it's probably for the best.

I find it quite adacious of her to expect me to pursue her and beg to be forgiven for something that is entirely her fault (the fault being that she coudln't differentiate between the roleplay and real life,between what I have said to her and what my character said about her's ) so I am not about to grovel and beg for something that she should have the brains to be able to tell the difference!

What pissed me off the most about this whole thing was the guy she used as a rebound and almost fucking married came and private messaged me on this site I'm on putting me in the same league as this other dude who flat out lied to her.I never lied,and I never pretended to be something I'm not,that's what pissed me off the most about this whole thing.I mean how dare he hunt me down and tell me 'I'm going to take care of her like you couldn't.She deserves to be treated like a princess and that's what I'm going to do'.Well first of all,dude,I understand you want in her pants,but get over yourself you spineless sack of shit!If she actually loved you she wouldn't have backed out in the bedroom and when you proposed to her.Second,get a life,if you have enough time to hunt down a guy and accost him over something so retarded as this you have enough time to go comfort your friend who was raped,or take the girl (who's name will remain unspoken) to the hospital to visit her friend who is might die you piece of shit!

On a side note:If he can take care of her,fine,great.Good for you and more power to you.I wish you the best,but leave me the fuck out of it!I don't want to know if you married,I don't want to know if you kissed.Just forget don't talk to or about me ever again.

All in all,I have learned when you break up with someone you generally cannot sty friends like you used to be before you hooked up in the first place.Lesson learned.

Another thing I learned,don't date girls who think having sex in an rp is cheating because that means she is nothing more then a drama queen.End of story.Honestly I don't even care if anyone reads this,nor if they comment.I'm not even mad anymore I just wanted to type this up to see what came out.Seems I'm more angry about her playing the 'why do you hate me' card and that guy (who's name also will remain stricken from record) private messaging about something that wasn't his buisness then the actual disagreement itself.Either way,I learned once you break up with someone,things aren't the same,if you think they will be the same again your probably better off just moving on and never talking to them again.

Alright,the same friend I've was talking with in my last entry I have been talking to for a while now,and it's not that I don't like talking to her or anything like that,it's just....it's the same thing every day.She buzzes me till she annoys me enough to answer,then she rambles on about either 1)Talks about how tired she is or 2) Talks about her baby waking her up. Then she'll move on into one of two directions for the entire day 1) She'll talk about how lonely she is,how hard it is to take care of a baby alone,blah,blah,blah. Or 2) She'll sped most of the time either playing with her baby and totally ignoring me,or talk to me ABOUT her baby and more or less give me play by play on what it is she' doing at that exact moment.

I kind of hate this,but at the same time I am too nice to not talk to her cause she doesn't really talk with many people on a daily basis.So what am I supposed to do,I mean...on the one hand I hate having something so simple as  conversation be so predictable and I am starting to hate children even more because all I hear half the time is her kid whining,yelling,and carrying on.But on the other hand I don't want to be a dick and piss off yet another friend...what should I do? @_@

Alright,now I generally can talk to people,but as of late I noticed my social skills slowly degrading,like I'm becoming retarded in regards to socializing...I mean what the fuck?!I know I haven't verbally spoken to anyone outside of my family in a while save for formalities but what the hell?Like right now as I type this I'm on a voice chat with a girl...well woman from my aim friends list and I have no idea what to say,so the majority of what I am saying is 'Yeah' 'No' 'what' '(insert random small answer pertaining to the conversation here)' I mean really,have I become totally unable to socialize wiith other human beings outside my genepool? Jesus fucking christ I must be the most socially retarded mother fucker in the country.

I want to socialize with people but I don't want to be around them,how twisted is that?I mean sometimes I want to be around people,but no one wants to be around me...then when I don't want to be around people,they bitch and whine about me not wanting to be around them.

I'm getting kind of aggrivated cause this girl keeps saying I'm boring to talk to cause I don't talk a lot...clearly she didn't know I type more then I verbally speak before she asked me to do a voice chat...man this is kind of awkward....she's talking to her baby and her dogs more then she talks to me,that's how apparently boring I am!This is so fucking hilariously pathetic...and awkward.

Alright on my quest to become more.....'socially acceptable' I have stumbled across the idea and have been tossing it around for a time,as I do have a website people can give me ideas on things and then I can rant about it on,wait for it......a podcast!That's right,all the swearing and angry rantings you love and have come to expect (all,one of you...) from me now in brilliant audio with (hopefully) stunning sound quality.

Anyway,I was tossing the idea around,gimme some feedback on it guys,I was just tossing the idea around,just something to occupy myself with when I'm not looking for a job (now more seriously then before...) and looking into which college I want to study Criminal Justice at.I thank you (my one reader who DID actully comment on my last entry.You have to see about getting skype or something we can talk again (I'm sure a mic doesn't cost that much even over there...)

But yeah,comment lemme know wht you think if you do,why should I?If not...well of course I'd like to know why you think I shouldn't.

Suggestions are welcome,if I get some good feedback and think I might actually have more then just one listener I'll add a 'Suggestion Box' tab to send me suggestions for the show.

Thanks as always.

Well,for anyone who bothers themselves to read this thing anymore,I have decided to update you on how I am doing,what's going on with me,and so on.

Okay,first of all.I have been seriously thinking of some options for my life (or otherwise) and have come down to the same choices I had before me in the beginning (round about way of saying I haven't figured out anything) those options are: A) Go into the Army enlisting in  Active Duty and hoping for the best. B) Go to college and study Criminal Justice to become a Police Officer or C) Commit suicide and end it all thus escaping the decision making all together.

I have also found myself thrown head long into a dark pit of endless depression and anxiety.This leads to me retracting myself away from the world.I have begun to comtemplate going to a mad house for A) Possible treatment of these things (suicidal thoughts and depression,these mixed with pent up emotions I have been keeping inside me [regardless of how much I say to people here which sounds like I'm venting,I really am not.I hold myself back all the time,so no one ever hears the full brunt of if,not even my best friends.Why bother someone else with these things?] make for a very hectic world in which I have no idea how to vent in an acceptable way....this went on way too long...)  B) Possibly make some friends,get some life experience and so on C) have a place to stay for a while,a place where I'm confined to one room and forced to take pills periodically but a place to stay none the less.

I have also been doing some soul searching.First thing I thought about,as I was contemplating looking for a girlfriend,but the news of Melanie's death put a halt to everything on that front (hell I even stopped touching myself and watching porn for almost a week....but my will lost to my sexual frustration...) even though I'd done next to nothing concerning that anyway...but I came to a decision.As much as I love Melanie,she wouldn't want me to live in a dark pit of despair all my life and wouldn't want me to live in the past while the world moves forward,so I think I might continue the miniscule idea of looking again.

Second thing I found is that I might have found a....not really a 'religion'  but more of a....a system of beliefs,not like before when I thought I wanted to be a shaman but then read more on it and decided it was too much trouble.No,this is serious.I am doing some more research on it and hopefully can meet some people and have a firm idea and belief in the whole thing before I break it to my family...if I do at all...

Third is....well I don't really know.I suppose a general over looking at what I've been doing...?It's hard to find things to write about when I know I don't have any readers,if I do,they probably never comment...but the winter is coming,that's good,Grandma will be coming in November and I'll be out of my room till probably the beginning of December,joy...

But the new family holiday,I have dutifully named it 'Thanksmas' due to it being a combonation of Thanksgiving  and Christmas.I don't really expect to get anything from anyone,mostly because unless I have a job at the time,I won't be able to buy anyone anything....which I regret but,who cares,if they choose to get me something,fine.But if not,I don't care anymore.

So yeah,that's an update on me nd how things have been going (not really but I don't want to talk about it right now.) and so on.

If I do have any readers left please post a comment or something so I know if anyone is there anymore.If you are still there,maybe suggest a topic you would like me to touch on and I will try to see if I can get to it. (Look at me,taking requests like ranting is some special talent...)

Thanks and Blessed Be.

The girl I fell in love with died...I only just found out today...I don't know how long I cried,I only know that she changed my life,and I'm still in love with her...she made me better then I was and made me feel like I had something to offer someone in life...

Her thoughts on what happens after death: I think we go to wherever we want to go...like if we want to be in a beautiful meadow with trees and a stream, then we get to stay there for all eternity and we can just call our loved ones wo are also passed on and they can come and visit.

Rest In Peace

Melanie Griffiths...

You had a beautiful soul,despite what you thought of yourself.Perhaps you will call me after I die and we can be together in eternity.

I love you,even now.I thought I'd run out of tears to cry but even now as I write this tears fall from my eyes.You deserve more then death at an early age...I can't begin to imagine how your father must feel,but I spoke to your Aunt today...she said she'd put some lillies on your grave for me.I hope maybe...sometime in the future,I can go there and put flowers on your grave myself...I wish I'd gotten more time to talk to you,possibly meet you.

My birthday no longer feels happy,because I remember your's is two days after mine.It feels like it should be a day of saddness...not happiness.July 30th will also be a day of saddness...I just...wish I had something to remember you by besides the conversations we had on yahoo...I looked at your gaia account today,out of nostaligia....just looking at it...just clicking the screen name made me burst into tears.

I don't know how to feel...your Aunt said you didn't suffer and you weren't in pain,an that I changed your life...that it was almost like I was your shining light...I've never lost anyone before...so I don't know how to deal with this...and I've never changed anyone's life for the better...nor have I ever cried so much and for so long before...

I just think....no I want your look on death to be true....cause that would mean I would get to see you again after I die....maybe you can haunt me in life in that tolerable ghost way....just let me know your there...

My heart isn't numb anymore...it's broken...I just....I don't know how to cope with losing someone who touched me to my very soul....it's not even like you broke up with me,at leasy I would know your alive....but your....your gone....forever....

I wish I was there...I wish I could have been there with you...

There was so much I never got to tell you...I never got to begin to attempt to tell you how deeply I care about you...I didn't get to even ask you something so simple as your favorite flower...I never got to meet you,or even hear your voice...

I miss you...

Unwaveringly yours,

Cobra W. A. Johnson

I'm not sure if I'm tripping on...nothing,if I'm finally losing my fucking mind,or if it means anything at all but lately I've been having some rather....odd experiences.Sometimes I'll feel a hand on my shoulder or some other mundane touch like on the back of the neck,or the foot (when I'm laying on my bed) but when I look there's no one there.Sometimes,increasingly often I hear a woman calling my name.Then,again increasingly often,I see a pale young woman,just out the corner of my eye.I turn to look and she's not there anymore.

I often,lately I feel like someone is watching me,even when I'm not alone.I wonder if my mind has finally started unravelling from being in constant thought.I don't know,I could dramtize this and say 'I have been hearing voices,they tell me to do things' but I'm not,so I won't.

I'm not sure if it has a true meaning or if I'm just inhaling some sort of halucinagine or something of that nature while I sit here...

Ok,I have been keeping pretty quiet lately,mostly cause I had nothing to rant about,but now I do.So here it goes.

Warning: The opinion (important word,look it up before you post a comment) expressed in this blog is solely my own and this topic is pretty controvertial (apperantly) so before you decide to post up a comment about what you are about to read,think on this....shut the fuck up!This is my blog,my web site,and I'll post what ever the fuck I want to.If you feel the need to say something,you are allowed to say one of two things. 'I agree' or 'I respectfully disagree'.Nothing else,I swear on whatever hanous religion you worship if you post any of that religion shit here your comment will be deleted before you know what happened.Now that ha been taken care of,let me continue to the actual subject matter.

Abortion!Yeh,got your attention now don't I?Well,I wondered a long time ago when I'd finally come around to this topic,I was hesitant mostly cause of how huge this is,but I decided to finally speak out.

First off,anyone against abortion in the name of 'killing a baby' is a moron.It's a fucking fetus.It doesn't even have a brain yet,let alone feelings.It's like deciding you don't want a bowl of jelly and throwing it away.But on a serious note,have you ever considered that not being born might actually be in the kids best interest?Maybe the home is unfit for a new born. 'Well just put the kid into adoption' you might think,well do you know how many kids on average are put into a bad home?How many kids are beaten,molested,ect in their adopted homes?Alot,it's called acting,people do it to get things they want. Or,consider this,if your tiny brain can comprehend,maybe the conception of the 'baby' in question was against her will,maybe she was raped or molested.Is it wrong then to not birth the 'baby'  in question then?

Violence against teenage mothers,and any mother really,in front of an abortion clinic?Yeah that's intellegent,that really makes you better then the 'baby killers' if your throashing about the poor woman carrying the 'baby' in question.For all you know,you just killed the baby,and that my friend is a charge of manslaughter,and aggrivated assualt on the woman in the first place.

I swear if one person comments 'She should have used a condom' or some variation of 'she should have kept her legs closed' I will flip the fuck out.First,it's a proven fact that condoms HELP PREVENT pregnancy but do not COMPLETELY STOP it!They can break,the can be ruptured,or some other unforeseen happening to the condom,which could result in the prengancy.Secondly,how many people alive have been able to stay abstinent their entire life.I'm sure someone will say 'Jesus was' well ya know,that is total bullshit.I am sorry but no man,mesiah or otherwise,can go his entire life,birth to death,without some sort of sexual contact.You might have noticed-no that's a topic for another entry.

I might post more on this at some other time but for now I'll leave it at this:

Bottom line: A woman's body is her own buisness,no one else's.Whatever happens to it,within it,or on it is her own responsibility and her own buisness.Therefore,the woman can abort the baby if she feels the need to,or the want to.Some women don't want to be mothers!The world is over populated enough with unwanted people,dying,dick,and forgotten people.No use bringing more into it.

So,shut the fuck up about it already.If you (women reading) or your wives/girlfriends/female friends (guys) got raped and found out you/they were pregnant,you wouldn't bitch about her decision to abort the damn thing would you?No,it's something you have no right speaking out against unless it's happened to you or someone close to you.I doubt most people have had this sort of experience so,you have no right sticking your voice where it isn't wanted.

Sometimes it seems like I have a freaking super power.But not the good kind tht you can control and have a ton of fun with nd save people with.No it's the bad kind,the kind you can't control and in the end it brings you nothing but misery and sadness.

Yes,it seems like I have a super power...that super power is the power to make women come down to two choices.Either fall in love with me,or recoil from me completely due to emotional problems.I don't know why,but the wrong ones fall in love,and the right ones recoil completely. I often wonder...is it something I said...something I did?Do people who try to be good to others deserve to live miserably and alone?

If I have any christian readers out there,anwer me this,what kind of god would allow the corrupt and wicked live happily fat and rich while genuinly good people are miserable?Ask him that in your prayers and see if you get an answer.

I just...I just wish things weren't always so complicated...why does it seem like I have every aspect of my life under control,but it falls apart when it comes to my dealings with the opposite sex?Am I destined to be alone for all my life?

Sorry I dont post up personal things often but I wanted to express my sadness that yet another woman recoiled from me when it came to that crossroad,even though I did everything to avoid that choice...